When I was younger it was so easy to be myself. To dance, sing, create, to mess around, to screw-up and re-start to be happy but getting older in many ways it has become so difficult, almost impossible at some times. Obviously, daily life and the responsibilities, work, relationships, divorce, money (or lack there of) is taking a toll, but is this not the time that we need to be happy, creative, relaxed, most?
I recently realized that it has not been days, weeks or months but years that I have been really happy, belly laughed till you cry. Created anything. From doodling, sewing on a button, building a something or even pulled the weeds from the garden bed. The black hole of routine and responsibilities has made me one bland boring individual.
I remember thinking of doing nothing worse with my life is to go from work to home to bed and repeat. And 15 years into adulthood, there I find myself, smack bam in the life that I despised in my youth. I guess one would call it a mid-life crises.
2024 came around and I was determined not to go through another day, in this rut.
First thing is first. I pulled out and old black board, repainted it and wrote a large heading of GOALS 2024. Added 4 other sub headings, Health and wellness, career, relationships, fun and happiness. Each one with a couple of spaces allowing to write down in each category what I want to achieve 2024 in these aspects of my life.
It is very scary to think it, speak it and commit to doing it. But this is and written agreement, written and made between me, myself and I. All out in plain view for everyone and anyone to see. This is a promise to yourself. And you are reminded of it daily. It keeps focus and gets rid of almost all the other "white noise"
Health and wellness: I have already been on a health kick from earlier in 2023 and achieved so much already. But I wanted more! I set out clear REALISTIC goals, Quarterly and annually. Silly things like improving my time on a 5km run by 1 or 2 minutes.
Funny thing is, that when we right it down, it is almost like setting up a contract or deal with yourself. And the cool thing is, you keep track of your improvements. I cant even remember what I had for breakfast let alone what my time was on a 5km in January. So seeing your improvement a month or two later, makes a hell of a difference and just add fuel to your own fire.
Career: Hated my 9 to 5 so badly. A dead-end corporate job for the past 10 odd years, no growth. Day to day, exactly the same. 3 hours of traffic daily. Uniforms, make-up. So not me. Thus obviously, right at the top, NEW JOB.
This was easier said than done, after all, I have been looking and applying for ages already.
It was not that easy to just pack-up and leave, remember that silly adulting thing...RESPONSIBILITIES! Single mother, single income, patience (also in singular form)
Relationships: Not only as a reminder for myself but for my daughter, all relationships take work and a conscious effort of patience, gratitude, compassion and kindness. Both of us has fallen off that wagon very frequently but we forgive ourselves and try harder the next day.
Fun and Happiness: I found this extremely hard. What makes me happy? I am so used to focus on makes me unhappy, that I have not realized what it is what actually makes me happy.
I had to remind myself, what used to make me happy, what did I enjoy doing? And looking on the bright side of things (I cant believe that I just mentioned this cliche - cringe. But it is definitely true) Also just to be kinder to oneself, takes off a hell of
allot of pressure off. Would you speak to your child or your dog like you do to yourself?
...And here we are now 10 months into 2024... (drum roll please!)
I achieved my goals in ALL of these aspects and actually added more to the goals list!
I am still searching for the real me and I am sure it is going to take long to find her, after all, it took me almost 20 year to loose her. But I have discovered things about myself, that is new and different. And sometimes I think to myself, this chick is kind of cool and have much bigger kahunas than I had thought. Quit the bad ass. I would like to see what she does next...
Commentaires